so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
