you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
