good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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