: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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