There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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