1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Randomize
