I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
