You can't motorboat a personality
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I think we might need a safe word for this...
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
