I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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