just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize