Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
