no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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