You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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