upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
