im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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