I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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