First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
