You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
The air taste purple.
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