I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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