i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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