we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
pray to the hookup gods
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
