So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
