Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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