I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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