Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
My breath smells like gin and sadness
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
