im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
