just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
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