If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
So much rum. So many feels.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
