Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
