Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize