Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
