I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize