I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
