Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
