Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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