take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
