The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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