plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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