i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
honey bunches of taint.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
