Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
