So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
