Her vagina should come with caution tape.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
