dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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