I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
