guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize