Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
