Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
