In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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