genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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