remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Randomize
