we have officially lost it.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
