so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize