Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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